Monday, May 31, 2010

disorientation

I WAS going to go to work on Friday. But on Thursday Ramona got sick. My older daughter, Ramona, who is 24. She is in the hospital, with pneumonis, still in intensive care. They removed her breathing tube yesterday, though, and she is maintining her oxygen level just fine. So she is improving. On the other hand, I am finding myself extremely disoriented. She was entubated for three days, and she couldn't talk. Now she can talk, softly, but she doesn't believe she is as sick as she is. She wants to go home, and I don't blame her. But she isn't ready; she's still critically ill. I am starting to get worn out by all of this. I'm scared. Not that she won't get better this time, but that she isn't taking it as a sign that she needs to take better care of herself. She just wants to get back to her regular life. I, on the other hand, am afraid to get back to mine. I feel like this is all I can pay attention to, and if I forget, something may go wrong. Do I really have that much control? No. I am supposed to go back to work tomorrow, and I have to decide whether or not I will. She is an adult. Then again, if I work all day, I'm not there to get doctors reports in the morning. I'm out of the loop. Ramona doesn't seem capable of managing her own care yet. She's in denial about being so sick. But is it my place to take over? I don't know, I don't know. Will she need care when she comes home? Will she accept care? I don't know. In the meantime, I did manage to pay my bills yesterday, and I came home and took a nap after sleepig at the hospital on Saturday night. I slept at home last night. I need a shower, but don't want to get my toe tape wet and have to change it again. I want to get to the hospital before the doctor comes around, and yet I am sitting here on my computer. I didn't do my laundry over the weekend, but my uniforms are still clean because I haven't been working. The pets are cared for, but the trash cans, the sink, the recycling, all sit in the same condition they were in when Ramona got sick. I'm afraid if I concentrate on getting my life in order, hers will fall apart. I don't even feel like I have a job, although I dimly remember that I do. In short, I am feeling indecisive and disoriented. I suppose it will come back together with time. Even this blog is disjointed. Just one of those 'other rantings' rather than a 'bus story'. At least, being in my 50's, I have enough experience to know that things will get back to normal. Or else we will adjust to things and they will become normal. I need to get up if I don't want to miss the doctor on her rounds. So I'll leave this post as it is, a disjointed, meandering blob of cathartic expression.

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